I am a great thinker. I am also a terrible rememberer.
So many times a great thought or idea will enter in through my mind, but just as easily as it enters, it leaves without even being put away into the
pocket of my brain for later use.
-I am thankful to write the thought that just entered into my head-
Actually, I've been thinking a lot about fear and how a lot of the time, it is the greatest motivator of my actions.
Fear can cause or not cause people to do many things. For example, I've had such a big fear of roller coasters, that every time I went to six flags with my friends it was already decided in my mind that I would wait in line together with my friends and when the time came to actually board the roller coaster, I would walk straight across to the other side and wait for the ride to be over. This fear greatly affected my time at this amusement park-it motivated me to not ride the roller coaster. Hm..i'm not so sure if that is the greatest example to express this idea of fear as a motivation in life. But anyway, to get on with the actual thought that just came into my head, I came to a big realization of how much fear really stops me from living. And also knowing that God has an incredible plan for me, why should I fear that? But I do. It seems strange to fear an awesome future. It is almost counterintuitive. But I really do have this tendency to fear my future, even though I believe with all my heart that it's going to be so awesome.
So where does this fear come from then? It definitely comes from one who is against me, my ultimate enemy.
This ties in with another thought that I have been having in the past month about all the lies that Satan has been whispering into my ear.
He's been telling me :
"You've lived an average life so far, and that's what your life is going to be. You know how easy it is to just relax, flip on a tv show and just veg out. I mean, come on who do you think you are? You think you can 'grow' and be 'fruitful'? You are so weak. It's best for you to just stay out people's way and live your life through fantasy. "
"You suck at singing."
"You're not destined for greatness."
"You're too afraid to take the next steps in life that are right in front of you."
"You have no power over your feelings and drowsiness."
To expand on that last one- I have been feeling very sleepy these days. This is not the first time. Being sleepy is one of my many tendencies in an attempt to escape from what is going on in my life-if something is "too hard". I've experienced this right as I settled down to start studying, looking at my incredibly messy room or when I am avoiding something that I know that I can't handle. I realized that this is a great symptom of my own fear.
I realized this after our UIC Easter retreat a couple of weeks ago. It was great, the Holy Spirit's presence was intense and I believe that God answered my prayer or is beginning to answer my prayer in bringing a revival to not only the students, but the married couples and those who are "older". Anyway, This retreat was really great to me not only because of what other people experienced, but because of what I experienced-the love of Jesus. As I listened to the messages and participated in the group Bible studies, it was revealed to me how intential Jesus' love is-which is why it is so great. Jesus, being 100% man and 100% God did not die not mainly die because he was losing a lot of blood, but because He wanted to. He chose to die right after the last prophecy was fulfilled and also fulfilling the will and salvation plan of God. When He said "It is finished" and breathed His last, that's when I gained my freedom and that's when I gained my inheritance-daughter of God. Amen.
Now, I know that this could be pretty confusing me talking about being free in Jesus but also being in fear-which doesn't make sense when combining the two. But what happened after the retreat was that I started sleeping a lot. I received so much at the retreat and I knew that from that moment on, my life would never be the same (just as the disciples' lives were never the same after Jesus rose from the dead and came to visit them in their house). And I don't know why, but I was afraid of that. One thing that is worthy to note, however, is that in all my life of having fear, I have learned that I really only fear 2 things-the unknown and dying. I strangely fear not knowing something more than dying. I become anxious if I don't know what is going to be up ahead in my life or even when I go for a drive in the car (thank goodness for GPS). But I guess I have been sleeping so much because I fear the unknown in my future. I fear that once I decide to follow God's leading for my life, I'll never know what's coming next-which is not even completely true.
One last thought that God has given to me is about me and prayer. I am terrible at praying on a daily basis. Not to make it sound like I need to do it out of obligatory or habitual reasons-althought that's how it was in the past-but I do feel that I am lacking some sort of prayer routine. And the reason why I am stressing on prayer right now is because I know that prayer is the solution to my fear and also the answer to all my questions (I thought I had so many thoughts that go unnoticed, but the questions in my head that are going unanswered are piling up as each day goes by). So I will end this post with simply stating the fact and hope that I increase in prayer, make it a priority in my life, because there is no better feeling than to get answers directly from the source-especially when that source is the ultimate leader of your life.
